blowthatbubble

If that's all you will be
You'll be a waste of time
You've dreamed a thousand dreams
None seem to stick in your mind

Two points for honesty
It must make you sad to know that
Nobody cares at all

I want to be where I've never been before
I want to be there and then I'd understand
Know I'm right and do it right
Could I get to be like that
How to know what I don't know
Nothing more to gain

Will I get better or stay the same?
I find I always move too slowly
Can't lift a finger
Can't change my mind
I never knew till someone told me that

If that's all you will be
You'll be a waste of time
You've dreamed a thousand dreams
None seem to stick in your mind

Two points for honesty
It must make you sad to know that
Nobody cares at all

And all the people who've seen it all before
And all the people who already understand
Know they're right
and done it right
Could I get to be like that?
I don't know and I don't know
It's harder everyday

Can't lift a finger
Can't hurt a fly
I find I always move too slowly
One thing's for certain
I'm insecure
I never knew 'til someone told me that

If that's all you will be
You'll be a waste of time
You've dreamed a thousand dreams
None seem to stick in your mind

Two points for honesty
It must make you sad to know that
Nobody cares at all
Nobody cares at all
They never cared at all

God, I know I've heard this song, probably years ago, but fuck, it's so right on.

I should really be fucking the guy who calls me everyday. And I just might.

I wonder if you can buy home pregnancy tests at campco

Brian told me it's a bad idea to fuck Adam and Justin. Again, he's calling me everyday so I trust him. I'll see what I can do.

Hopefully no drama will come of it.

It's funny, I let go of Christina, Brian let go of Matt, were the last ones standing and we're still close.

Boop boop boop

all apologies. Taking it one day at a time. I really blew that bubble. Still slippin in the soap. but I want to blow more bubbles because bubbles are nice. And I have baba nicolas and kelsey to thank for two awesome bubble aparatuses.

I should really be doing something about the whole class thing tomorrow.

Mostly cause my parents told me i couldn't go to Venice if i ever smoked another one.
I feel horrible, I don't think it's the nicotine withdrawal, that should be over by now, i think it's that my lungs are actually strong enough again to cough up all the shit i put in them, or pollen, or bronchitis. Either way i get tired just walking around i can't get enough oxygen in my lung and i'm really pissed cause there's no way i could take a hit of herb right now.

is a continuum perpetually moving forward. I'm right here and I'm today. I'm not last week, i'm not last semester, i'm not two summers ago. You can only be here and now if you can accept how fast you must let go and continue moving on.

 

Level we are not on the same level, oh how I wish we were. I just want to understand you. Massive Miscommunication will be the demise of all great things that could have been. I want my brother to understand how I feel like when I get stoned, but he’s stoned too so he must understand. It is important to know we understand each other we must have understanding to survive emotionally. I want to be understood I have things to say but I cannot communicate. We analyze life in order to connect with each other. If someone is totally goofy they cannot be understood and therefore are lost. What separates humans from the animals is the drive to be understood. That’s why we developed language and speak and go crazy and make up this thing called love but it isn’t really love it’s a physiological response in some sense to something that feels right that I cannot quite pinpoint with this language, the Japanese claim to not feel love but actually they are just confused by the explanation, lost in translation. We didn’t really make any of this up, we just made up a way to explain it. Language only exists in the present. Language, I could not speak enlgish when I was born and thus I don’t remember anything. This is because I have no way of recording things, but that is not true because if it was then how would language have ever been developed. When did we realize hey let’s figure out how to connect. Extra terrestrials my friend, extra terrestrials. I feel you I feel you so close how can I explain, on the same wavelength yet so far away. Perhaps we don’t connect in a conventional English language quite way but there are forces we are not even aware of that force us to be magnetically paired. I may think you do not understand me because of the words you use, but life was not always these words. Maybe animals really do feel something more, we scientifically explain their going about but there are parts of me that have nothing to do with any of that. Or rather are animalistic in ways no one else has ever tried to explain. But what does all this shit mean? We do not really know, that’s the only answer. What I know is that I do not know. Do I lose language when I’m drunk because I certainly can’t remember these things that have happened. And language and memories must be linked. But what is being cool and why is it important. Do people not survive because they are not cool?? Is it fair to say that starving people are not cool enough to be fed. This was a real concern of mine at a very young age, being cool and being accepted, but maybe being cool is really just being understood. Connecting with the most amount of people. If I become anti social and check out of society I risk losing a way to feed myself if I don’t have a job. Hermits survive because they are self sufficient. Self sufficiency works for some but something will be wrong at the end of the day. Now I really know what Annie is saying. It’s funny that it takes language to do this and I understand why Eric is so fascinated in a sense, but I could be completely wrong. I just wish he was a little more clear.  Honestly I don’t mind thinking like this, it’s stimulating and on the back of my mind it was something I’ve always thought about all these thoughts in my head I wonder if other people feel them too. Is it pretentious to think my contemplations of these things were very precarious, and that’s why I had social issues? I was too focused on analyzing life than actually living it. Perhaps. These three essays I’m supposed to be writing about are speaking to each other so loud I can practically hear them in my imagination. They have such a lovely conversation but I can’t explain this to eric, I am somewhat lacking in my skill to make this into a very long thesis driven essay. I think this is actually helping. I’m such a fucking stoner. Don’t get me started on drugs, we’ll be here all night. Maybe that’s what they mean by don’t do drugs, don’t talk about them, the way they make you change your thoughts is too hard for this language to explain and that’s why they are afraid of them. We use science to say it fucks with our brains but what does science really know anyway. I don’t think he believe s me and he has every right not too. I’m incapable of relating these things to him. It’s partially because I am afraid of some sort of embarrassment or complete rejection to something I feel quite strongly about. This intimate thought is all I will have left if I am without food water shelter and companionship. Please don’t put it down.

I became lucid in a dream I had at home, I wanted to wake up but instead I told an asian lady sitting on a stool "you're not real" and preceeded to turn her head with my hands a full 180.

Not the best dream to have but a good step in gaining control